Enigmatic English

English is an enigmatic language, at least for me. And at times, I feel, it really is a funny language. It poses problems aplenty in pronunciations and also in spellings. English spelling is guaranteed to confuse even those who have spoken the language all their lives. When there is no difference in pronouncing see and sea, why are they spelt differently? What do you say about do and go? Why is p silent in psychology and pronounced as f in philosophy, and what about laughter, wherein it is pronounced with an f in it, but slaughter has no such sound?

While there were only 36 words in English containing the letters ough, there were nine different ways of pronouncing it, all of which could be found in the following rather obscure sentence: Though a rough cough and hiccoughs ploughed through him, he houghed the horse with thorough thoughtfulness.

My bafflement knew no bounds when I learnt that there is no meat in sweetmeats but they are candies, while sweetbreads aren't sweets but are meat. I learnt that paradoxes galore in the language, otherwise what explanation do we have when quicksand can work slowly and boxing rings are not circular in shape but are squares? And when the plural of foot is feet, of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? Then, what do we say about scissors? Does it not seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend; that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal?

A poem titled The English Lesson penned by an anonymous writer aptly justifies the dilemma. Here’s the link http://web.cn.edu/kwheeler/gram_English_Lesson.html. I am floored by the lucid presentation of the dilemma of a learner.

And coming to semantics, if teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If vegetarians eat vegetables, will humanitarians eat…? when a troubleshooter can solve a troublesome issue, who can deal with a meddlesome person? Will a handshooter handle a handsome man? If humans pray, why do the donkeys bray? When horrific is to cause something horrible, why isn't terrific is not to make terrible rather the opposite? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital, Ship by truck and send cargo by ship, have running noses and smelling feet? You are left to marvel at the unique lunacy of the language in which a house can burn up as it burns down; an alarm clock goes off by going on; when stars are out they are visible, but when lights are out they’re invisible.

Talking of opposites, the prefix in- is added to mean the opposite as in edible - inedible, correct - incorrect etc. But oil tankers read in glaring red highly inflammable when they, in fact, are highly flammable? How can a fat chance and a slim chance be the same, while overlook and oversee are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell on one day and cold as hell on another? Did you ever meet a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was gruntled, ruly or peccable?

You really have to be a genius to understand the intricacies of the Queen's English. If you are not a genius, are you then ingenious?

(With extracts from the archives of www.verbivore.com)